What am I doing?
I guess it’ll help me to put this into words somewhere. I’m almost four months into my stay in Toronto, and wondering more than ever what I’m doing and just how long I should continue with it. University behind me, I find myself in a huge city that was never my first choice of location.
On the one hand, I finally proved to myself that I can function away from my creature comforts, and the people that I care for the most. I have a job, a good place in a nice location, and the comfort and security that these things provide. There’s so much potential in this city compared to what I’m used to, in terms of variety, entertainment, activities, and travel.
And yet I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I’m existing rather than actually living, and perhaps that is my fault. I spend a lot time working and not very much actually exploring what the city has to offer, usually sticking to the things here that are familiar to me.
It’s not that I’m resistant to change, but I don’t know if I can find the motivation to try new things here. I feel partially resentful that I didn’t stay back home and immediately try to launch myself into my career straight after finishing University.
Sometimes I wonder if I have grown at all from my experience here, from a personal perspective. Have I gained anything from being here, somewhat isolated from everything I’ve ever known? Perhaps four months is too short an amount of time to really know, and I should therefore see out the entire duration of my visa. Having proven that I can actually see this through just doesn’t seem enough for me right now, hence why I’ve remained here all this time - I get a kind of stubborn satisfaction when I look back at the previous few months and think that I could have chosen to return any time, but didn’t.
I never saw this as a career move, but if I continue to stay, perhaps I need to focus on making it one. I have a good job that keeps a roof over my head, yet I feel professionally stunted and at a loss in terms of the direction I’m heading in.
I’ve just found out that a good friend I have made here is possibly moving back to Australia next month to pursue his career. We met in the hostel that I stayed in when I was trying to find my feet here, and found ourselves in virtually identical situations. Same age, First move, in a new country, looking for work and a room, and a lifestyle that would provide a few months of change from our regular lives. By a stroke of coincidence, we both ended up with comfortable jobs and locations just a few minutes apart.
The idea of the friend I most identify with in this city leaving to pursue a career makes me turn the mirror on myself and wonder if I should be doing the same. When I weigh it up, it boils down to what I feel I ought to do vs what I want to do. What makes it so hard is that the answer to both questions is what it has always been since I got here: I have no idea.
