Crossroads leads to crossroads, leads to crossroads…
I wont bother trying to fool myself (or any reader that happens to stumble on this) into thinking that I’m unique in having this realization, or that I have something profound and meaningful to add to the discussion. Instead I’ll just try to lay out the facts so that I can reflect on where I’m at right now. I’m about to hit my mid-20’s and the time has come to make a change.
The most pressing and obvious realization, one that I’ve held since returning from Toronto back in January ‘10, is that I need to get the hell out of here very, very soon. For too long now I’ve been stuck in a dead-end town that can offer me absolutely nothing, that sucks my motivation dry, and destroys my dreams one day at a time.
There’s nothing particularly noteworthy about working a job that you hate, it’s the norm for most people these days. But my days of selling fags and booze to pregnant chavs are numbered. I can’t imagine another town with a more miserable, closed-minded, fearful, depressed population, people who can’t bring themselves to look you in the eye, who can’t bear to turn the mirror on themselves and look at the decisions they’re making, who live off benefits which go towards flatscreen TVs, and who bury their daily problems with booze, bad relationships, bad food and the latest flashy material goods, who live for the weekend so they can go out and get pissed with their mates before starting the cycle over again.
I’m by no means perfect. I have my fair share of flaws and defects, but I am capable of self reflection, I am searching for something greater than where I am right now, and I’m simply not content to wile away my days doing this anymore. I’ve been amassing some savings while I figure out where I’m going, and although I’ll probably see it out here til Xmas (mostly so I can capitalize on overtime), come the new year (when I will turn 25), I want out.
So what do I want? What do I need?
I yearn to live in a global city, or at least a large city where I can just be another face in the crowd. I love the feeling of anonymity that exists living in a new environment, especially when you can just lose yourself among the masses going about their daily lives. But it’s more than that. I need things to do, a music scene, some kind of of independent creative element for one. I want to live somewhere where independent (non-chain) establishments can thrive, where small stores don’t just open for a few months before going under and becoming vacant again. I want to go where people of different nationalities and social backgrounds go to create whatever life they see fit.
I don’t care about the lonelyness of moving somewhere and starting over, right now nothing could be more appealing than starting over in a far-off place where I don’t know anyone. Regarding my own personal flaws, I want to break out of my introversion that I feel has held me back. I want to regain my sense of adventure and discovery that’s lain dormant since my Toronto experience ran out of steam. I need to stop caring about how I’m percieved or judged, and loosen up enough to just enjoy what life’s got to offer, to branch out and do the stuff I’ve always wanted to try.
I want to put my degree into use, but the fact is that my motivation to do so has been at an absolute minimum working and living here, and it has been incredibly hard to break out of the pattern and look for a more fulfilling worthwhile job, because I’ve known that at the end, I would have to return back here. Given that reality, it’s been easier for me to stay in a job that, unfulfiling though it has been, was familiar enough that I could just use it to get something into my bank account. That lack of motivation is something that I intend to break by getting into a new environment.
Where.
I spend every day in the pursuit of Spanish fluency, leaving the other languages that I started learning by the wayside, watching Spanish, Colombian, Mexican, Chilean vloggers on YouTube, listening to hours of podcasts from Spain and Mexico, and working my way through the entirety of El Internado whilst hanging onto every word of the castellano subtitle track. I’ve given a lot of serious thought into moving to Madrid, researching where I would live, how I would live, and how I would make sure I learned the language to fluency during my stay. The downside is that they currently have the worst unemplyment in the EU (on the other hand you can find some cheap accomodation because everyone’s shitty wages now need to stretch further), and even with the money to be made teaching English, I could see it being a difficult slog without a lot of savings behind you. Still, it’s a very real possibility.
Another option would be to stay here in the UK, but move to a place where I feel I could develop and do the things I’ve described above. Leeds, Bristol, Brighton, Sheffield, and Manchester all seem like goods bets, but I need to go much more in depth in terms of researching jobs, properties, and just opportunities in general.
And then there are the other expenses that realistically, I can go without, but which I would love in order to be productive in my new situation. I want to freelance as a videographer, and for that I’ll need funds for a new camera. I have to get my driver’s license soon, I want to get a TEFL qualiication. I gotta get my laptop fixed, or failing that get a new edit facility. But what’s most important to me right now is getting out of here. And if I have to go without some of those other things for now, then so be it.
For the moment then, back to Gumtree for research, back to the guidebooks and forums. But one thing’s for sure, I aim to have a plan in place very soon, because come 2012, I wont be sticking around.
