Hello 2012

Read more books

Knit

Move out

Get back to working out

Get driving license

Get my French to where my Spanish is right now

Get my Spanish to advanced fluency

Post up more shit

A bit late, but whatever.

I look back at my list of goals from 2011, and the only one I stuck to was the Spanish, which shows where my priorities have been at this past year, and way before then. I don’t even bother with those other languages these days, which is kinda sad in a small way.

I wont bother trying to fool myself (or any reader that happens to stumble on this) into thinking that I’m unique in having this realization, or that I have something profound and meaningful to add to the discussion. Instead I’ll just try to lay out the facts so that I can reflect on where I’m at right now. I’m about to hit my mid-20’s and the time has come to make a change.

The most pressing and obvious realization, one that I’ve held since returning from Toronto back in January ‘10, is that I need to get the hell out of here very, very soon. For too long now I’ve been stuck in a dead-end town that can offer me absolutely nothing, that sucks my motivation dry, and destroys my dreams one day at a time.

There’s nothing particularly noteworthy about working a job that you hate, it’s the norm for most people these days. But my days of selling fags and booze to pregnant chavs are numbered. I can’t imagine another town with a more miserable, closed-minded, fearful, depressed population, people who can’t bring themselves to look you in the eye, who can’t bear to turn the mirror on themselves and look at the decisions they’re making, who live off benefits which go towards flatscreen TVs, and who bury their daily problems with booze, bad relationships, bad food and the latest flashy material goods, who live for the weekend so they can go out and get pissed with their mates before starting the cycle over again.

I’m by no means perfect. I have my fair share of flaws and defects, but I am capable of self reflection, I am searching for something greater than where I am right now, and I’m simply not content to wile away my days doing this anymore. I’ve been amassing some savings while I figure out where I’m going, and although I’ll probably see it out here til Xmas (mostly so I can capitalize on overtime), come the new year (when I will turn 25), I want out.

So what do I want? What do I need?

I yearn to live in a global city, or at least a large city where I can just be another face in the crowd. I love the feeling of anonymity that exists living in a new environment, especially when you can just lose yourself among the masses going about their daily lives. But it’s more than that. I need things to do, a music scene, some kind of of independent creative element for one. I want to live somewhere where independent (non-chain) establishments can thrive, where small stores don’t just open for a few months before going under and becoming vacant again. I want to go where people of different nationalities and social backgrounds go to create whatever life they see fit.

I don’t care about the lonelyness of moving somewhere and starting over, right now nothing could be more appealing than starting over in a far-off place where I don’t know anyone. Regarding my own personal flaws, I want to break out of my introversion that I feel has held me back. I want to regain my sense of adventure and discovery that’s lain dormant since my Toronto experience ran out of steam. I need to stop caring about how I’m percieved or judged, and loosen up enough to just enjoy what life’s got to offer, to branch out and do the stuff I’ve always wanted to try.

I want to put my degree into use, but the fact is that my motivation to do so has been at an absolute minimum working and living here, and it has been incredibly hard to break out of the pattern and look for a more fulfilling worthwhile job, because I’ve known that at the end, I would have to return back here. Given that reality, it’s been easier for me to stay in a job that, unfulfiling though it has been, was familiar enough that I could just use it to get something into my bank account. That lack of motivation is something that I intend to break by getting into a new environment.

Where.

I spend every day in the pursuit of Spanish fluency, leaving the other languages that I started learning by the wayside, watching Spanish, Colombian, Mexican, Chilean vloggers on YouTube, listening to hours of podcasts from Spain and Mexico, and working my way through the entirety of El Internado whilst hanging onto every word of the castellano subtitle track. I’ve given a lot of serious thought into moving to Madrid, researching where I would live, how I would live, and how I would make sure I learned the language to fluency during my stay. The downside is that they currently have the worst unemplyment in the EU (on the other hand you can find some cheap accomodation because everyone’s shitty wages now need to stretch further), and even with the money to be made teaching English, I could see it being a difficult slog without a lot of savings behind you. Still, it’s a very real possibility.

Another option would be to stay here in the UK, but move to a place where I feel I could develop and do the things I’ve described above. Leeds, Bristol, Brighton, Sheffield, and Manchester all seem like goods bets, but I need to go much more in depth in terms of researching jobs, properties, and just opportunities in general.

And then there are the other expenses that realistically, I can go without, but which I would love in order to be productive in my new situation. I want to freelance as a videographer, and for that I’ll need funds for a new camera. I have to get my driver’s license soon, I want to get a TEFL qualiication. I gotta get my laptop fixed, or failing that get a new edit facility. But what’s most important to me right now is getting out of here. And if I have to go without some of those other things for now, then so be it.

For the moment then, back to Gumtree for research, back to the guidebooks and forums. But one thing’s for sure, I aim to have a plan in place very soon, because come 2012, I wont be sticking around.

Damn this Spanish language. Why the hell did the conquistadors have to be so aggressive with their territorial expansion? They’ve created a legacy that spans virtually a whole continent, spawning numerous distinct countries and cultures, and consequently leaving me with far too much choice regarding where to go for my immersion/study.

It shouldn’t be difficult, but I don’t fare well with too much choice. I guess I need some limitations. The only way I’m going to get fluent is to immerse myself, that much is clear. But where to go?

Spain

I’ve been to Barcelona before, and was convinced due to the prevalence of Catalan, that it wouldn’t be the best of choices for an immersive study. I just spent two hours talking to a native Catalán/Castellano speaker who pretty much talked me out of that notion. Madrid obviously has the monopoly on language schools, but my aim is to try to avoid tourists where possible, and I can’t see myself ending up there. Were I to go to Spain I’d probably visit a city in the north like Vigo or Oviedo, somewhere less obvious. But let’s be real here, the issue at hand isn’t the choice of city, it’s the choice of country.

If I were to choose Spain, I could literally take my savings, book a flight, book my classes, and even go look for a job while I’m there. This idea is unbelievably tempting when you’re as sick of your surroundings as I am. Sure, it’s not as adventurous as going to Latin America, but it’ll get the job done, and that’s what counts after all. My other choice will require me to stay here for months on end, and although that’s plenty of time to save funds,  it’s such a drag…

Mexico

So I really wanna go to Guadalajara at some point, with the idea being to stay there for a few months with a host family before flying into Houston for a week or so to carry on studying, and finally visiting Austin for SXSW. This idea seems awesome, and gives me lots of time to study, but like I said, I’m getting really impatient here.

What I’ve posted here are just the two most prominent options I’ve got right now. I haven’t even began going into detail of all the other places I’ve considered (Ecuador, Peru, Argentina, Cuba, Chile), because I’ve been trying to narrow it down somewhat. I gotta do some more research…

Languages

Spanish

My goal last year was to get to an ‘advanced conversational level’, whatever that meant. So I worked my arse off, compiling hours of Spanish videos from various vloggers on my iPod and having a good listen with every chance that I got. I finally completed all three levels of Pimsleur and got pretty inventive with TV, downloaded the documentary series Callejeros Viajeros as well as the cultural goldmine Mexico’s Next Top Model (now that’s how you learn a language). What else? Discovered some okay-ish Spanish hip-hop and started sentence mining from Spanish movies

So where am I with it now at the beginning of this year? Well, pretty good I suppose. I’ve acquired a pretty extensive passive vocabulary for one thing, and yeah it’s coming together pretty well. Had a teacher for a a few months who may or may not have helped me progress. But overall, pretty solid.

Goal for the 2011: More vocabulary, solidify knowledge of grammar, speak with high proficiency.

German

Didn’t do much in the way of actively studying, but really surprised at how I’ve basically maintained everything I’ve ever learned despite that fact.  Off to Oktoberfest this year, and though I’ve got nothing to worry about in terms of getting by, at least it gives me a decent incentive to push myself to the next level.

Goal for 2011: More vocabulary

Russian

Came into 2010 on such a high with this language, had a Russian teacher in Toronto, kept a journal of all the Pimsleur units, but somewhere along the way I just put the whole thing aside. Don’t really know what happened there, but not in a rush to get on with it. Let’s put it this way, I love studying it, but I feel I can afford to do it at a much more relaxed pace whilst Spanish takes precedence. Hours of transcribing Pimsleur into my journal has pretty much solidified my existing knowledge, so again no danger of regressing.

Goal for 2011: Maintain existing knowledge, complete Pimsleur, continue passive listening

Japanese

Sort of a new one for this year. I’m pretty relaxed about this one and again in no real hurry to progress. Virtually a complete beginner. Nailed about half the half the hiragana since Xmas, but I should have done both that and the katakana by now.

Goal for 2011: Know both kanas by the end of the month, 200 Kanji over the coming months…?

Other stuff

My band, Nude Scene is coming to it’s premature end this year, which is a bummer. I guess start up a new musical project, start writing some tracks, maybe post em up here.

I guess it’ll help me to put this into words somewhere. I’m almost four months into my stay in Toronto, and wondering more than ever what I’m doing and just how long I should continue with it. University behind me, I find myself in a huge city that was never my first choice of location.

On the one hand, I finally proved to myself that I can function away from my creature comforts, and the people that I care for the most. I have a job, a good place in a nice location, and the comfort and security that these things provide. There’s so much potential in this city compared to what I’m used to, in terms of variety, entertainment, activities, and travel.

And yet I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I’m existing rather than actually living, and perhaps that is my fault. I spend a lot time working and not very much actually exploring what the city has to offer, usually sticking to the things here that are familiar to me.

It’s not that I’m resistant to change, but I don’t know if I can find the motivation to try new things here. I feel partially resentful that I didn’t stay back home and immediately try to launch myself into my career straight after finishing University.

Sometimes I wonder if I have grown at all from my experience here, from a personal perspective. Have I gained anything from being here, somewhat isolated from everything I’ve ever known? Perhaps four months is too short an amount of time to really know, and I should therefore see out the entire duration of my visa. Having proven that I can actually see this through just doesn’t seem enough for me right now, hence why I’ve remained here all this time -  I get a kind of stubborn satisfaction when I look back at the previous few months and think that I could have chosen to return any time, but didn’t.

I never saw this as a career move, but if I continue to stay, perhaps I need to focus on making it one. I have a good job that keeps a roof over my head, yet I feel professionally stunted and at a loss in terms of the direction I’m heading in.

I’ve just found out that a good friend I have made here is possibly moving back to Australia next month to pursue his career. We met in the hostel that I stayed in when I was trying to find my feet here, and found ourselves in virtually identical situations. Same age, First move, in a new country, looking for work and a room, and a lifestyle that would provide a few months of change from our regular lives. By a stroke of coincidence, we both ended up with comfortable jobs and locations just a few minutes apart.

The idea of the friend I most identify with in this city leaving to pursue a career makes me turn the mirror on myself and wonder if I should be doing the same. When I weigh it up, it boils down to what I feel I ought to do vs what I want to do. What makes it so hard is that the answer to both questions is what it has always been since I got here: I have no idea.